Dear Friends,
Here's a radical thought to mull over this week...
What if clarity or confidence isn’t what you need?
What if you already know what you want, but—
a) you don’t think you should want it, and/or
b) you're uncomfortable with what you have to do to get it.
You see, I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. And when I scroll through social media, I see post after post telling us how to get confident and clear on what we want. I’ve even written about it!
The other day though, I started to think like a high-achieving, super-driven woman (and come to think of it, aren’t most women high-achieving and super-driven?), I realised something: what if the self doubt or lack of clarity we think we have isn't actually self doubt or lack of clarity?
What if that feeling of being "stuck" or "lost" was actually the structure around us telling us we could only live, be, succeed, achieve a certain way. That success is only valid when external validation is involved and a preset list of conditions is met. It’s like our brain is trying to reconcile two opposing thoughts--one where our deeper wisdom is trying to tell us something and the other being what we have always been told and taught. What if it isn't us but the world at large?
Being caught between these opposing thoughts is why we feel stuck.
That discomfort is telling us something. Maybe it's asking us to accept that the beliefs we’ve clung to for so long no longer serve us. Maybe it means showing up as a version of ourselves others aren’t used to seeing. Or maybe—just maybe—it’s time to stop looking elsewhere for approval and start making choices that aren't about what looks good but what feels good instead.
This process of shedding beliefs and thoughts that don't work for us? It’s not pretty. It’s not comfortable. And let’s be real—it has kept us in a state of “safety.” Not the warm, cozy, blanket kind of safety, but the kind where we never have to change. The kind where we stay stuck in the same patterns because they’re familiar.
But life is showing us that in order to move forward, we need to change.
There are two kinds of discomfort we have to choose from—stay exactly where we are, or shed that skin and become who we actually want to be.
Choose your hard.
One will feel empowering and invigorating. The other? It will keep you exactly where you are, feeling the same frustration and stagnation.
Stop Waiting for Clarity—Take Action Instead
So here’s the thing: evolving requires stepping into discomfort. The next step isn’t about finding more clarity—it’s about taking bold, unapologetic action, even if it feels uncomfortable.
The how will come. First, be clear on what you want and why you want it. Pause for a second the "shoulds" in your mind and think about what you want. Stop waiting for everything to fall into place before you act. The courage you need will meet you as soon as you decide to move forward.
Here’s the most important part—you don’t need anyone’s permission to do this. You know that.
The discomfort you’re facing is the gateway to the life you actually want. You just have to step through it. Regardless of what anyone says or thinks. Because that’s what it comes down to, right? No matter how much we have achieved, no matter the heights of our "success," choosing something different is scary—not because we might fail (we've taken risks before; we had to in order to be this successful in the first place). It’s because of that little voice inside us whispering, "But what will people think?" or "Putting myself out there in a different way leaves me open to criticism."
We wear armour--be it designer or not--to keep that voice at bay, but it's there, waiting for the opportune moment to remind us of its presence. And that’s what stops us in our beautiful-heeled tracks.
The questions and statements may differ but the tone is always the same. Take some time to listen to that voice—whose is it? Do you recognize it? Where is it coming from? And whose narrative are you allowing to shape the course of your life?
You’re Not Stuck—You’re Listening To The Wrong Voice
It’s no surprise that we feel stuck, lost, and in need of clarity. We sometimes lose sight of ourselves because we're so busy keeping our heads above water. But if you take a moment to look at yourself in the mirror—to really see yourself—what you will see reflecting back at you is the person who needs reminding of who they are, what they’ve achieved for themselves, and the strength it took to get here.
As we get to know ourselves even better, we understand our values—and that’s where the shift is happening. Our values—what truly matters to us, what drives us—can change as we get honest about what is important to us in terms of how we want to live and how we want to work. And when our values shift, we feel the disconnect between how we have been living and how we want to be living. We mistake it for being lost, when really, it's our inner wisdom nudging us, telling us something no longer fits.
When we live in alignment with our values, we feel a sense of flow, a deep sense of purpose. This is what the author and professor of the Becoming You course at the NYU Stern School of Business, Suzy Welch calls "transcendence"—not just achieving, but thriving. When we veer off course, discomfort arises. Not as punishment, but as a signal to pay attention.
Perhaps the feelings of being stuck or lost aren’t because we don’t know what we want. If we were to be honest with ourselves we would whisper that, yes, we do know what we want. But because we’ve spent years succeeding based on others’ expectations, perhaps we’re now afraid that what we truly want won’t receive the same approval or validation; we’re afraid that by choosing differently, we may not be seen with the same respect.
The coach in me would then ask—could this be true?
We Fear Uncertainty—But At What Cost?
Let’s not forget the fear of uncertainty. We spend a considerable amount of our precious time not wanting to veer away from what we know, what is we think is certain in our life—whether that’s a paycheck, a person, or a position at a company. Financial fear is real, and not wanting to rock that boat is completely understandable.
But at some point, those repressed feelings of dissatisfaction—ignored for the sake of certainty—come out in other ways--Intense frustration, irritation, anger, burnout, and even numbing behaviours.
We know what the problem is. We just don’t want to fix it, because fixing it means stepping into uncertainty.
Trust me, I get it.
For a long time, my fear wasn’t of change itself. It was of how others would perceive that change. It was that fear of losing that guaranteed paycheque or that job that told me I was somebody. Feeling lost and stuck were acceptable ways to describe my current state of frustration. What that frustration was trying to tell me was that the life I was living--the needs I was meeting were clashing with the other needs and values in my life that were becoming increasingly important. The need for certainty was clashing with my need for significance, for love, for growth. Growth doesn't come from certainty. In love and relationships, there is no certainty--there is hope for stability, respect, and understanding--but none of it is certain. Significance? That changes depending on who I am significant to and how I choose to work.
And fear? Fear is just our brain’s way of keeping us safe. When we try to do something different, our brain sees it as a threat. It’s a double-edged sword—one external (worrying about others’ opinions) and one internal (our brain trying to protect us). No wonder we feel stuck.
You Already Have What You Need
Maybe it’s time we start looking at ourselves differently. Perhaps it's time for a reframe.
First of all, give yourself a break. Secondly, it's not about finding clarity or feeling confident that is the driver of change or action.
It begins with trusting yourself.
You wouldn’t have come this far just to come this far. The “lack of clarity” or “lack of confidence” or even “feeling lost” and “stuck”—they’re all safe words we use to describe a yearning for more. Yet we’ve been taught that wanting more makes us ungrateful. That we should just be happy with what we have. Plus feeling self doubt doesn't mean you're not enough or that there is something wrong, it just means you care deeply about what you do and who you are. It is a perfectly normal feeling that can help you if it means you're conscious of giving whatever is of important to you in any moment the attention it needs.
It's as Ruchika Malhotra and Jodi-Ann Burey wrote so brilliantly on their article 'Stop Telling Women They Have Imposter Syndrome': “Let’s stop calling natural human tendencies of self-doubt, hesitation, and lack of confidence ‘imposter syndrome’. If you want women to lend their full talents and expertise, question the culture at work — not our confidence at work.”
Because at the end of the day, the real question isn’t whether you can step forward—you know you already have that power--you've been showing up every single day in some way, shape, or form. It just may not be in the way you want to anymore. It may just not be in the space that supports the powerful version of you anymore.
When you trust yourself, you become confident with the clarity you already know you have inside.
If you’re in this place, this is what iI encourage you to do:
Sit with those feelings for a while. See what messages they’re trying to relay to you. Sit in the discomfort. Don’t push it down. There is incredible wisdom in the muck. And then—when you feel the discomfort dissipate—look at yourself in the mirror. Really see yourself.
Write your life CV---this is where you list out everything you have lived through, done, achieved, experienced (good and challenging), and overcome to that makes you who you are. This is the CV that matters and proves to you just how incredible you actually are.
Find an old photo of yourself as a child. Look that child in the eyes and ask—
"Am I making her proud?"
The question you then have to ask yourself is, will I now choose to?
M xo
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